Last night was tough. I cried. Those moments of pain that take you by storm. That go through you with no mercy. And like with contractions, the only way that I can let it work for me is if I lose myself in the tide. If I let it take me and shake me and spit me out from time to time.
It was that kind of crying. Where my throat closes up and the tears are like acid in my eyes.
I had been looking for comfort. Not comfort for my pain, but company fr my heart. Sometimes in this company I find my daughter. I feel like I see new things of her, like I get things that I didn’t have before. Like we discovered a new game or took a new picture. O maybe it feels like when I sit and peruse my other kids’ baby pictures. My sons that are alive and growing. Sometimes when they’re asleep I look through their baby pictures and it’s so sweet to revisit their baby faces, to remember such lively moments I had forgotten. These photos are ours, so very ours, and they are little presents, gifts of our love.
I go online to find baby pictures of Luna, captured moments of us that I may have forgotten. Of course, the internet doesn’t have that. But it does have other moms and other babies and other stories of love. These will have to do. And they do feel like a moment for Luna and me to reminisce, to be surprised about how beautiful we were and how happy we looked and how much, much love there is.
Two beautifully heart wrenching blogs helped me last night. I cried with them. And I learned from them. And they gave me so, so much. Thank you, onceamother, and thank you, Catherine W, you are an amazing writer.
So thank you, sisters in grief and love, for sharing, for giving me a place to grab, something to hold on to when the need for my baby is so great and there is so little to touch.
And then, this morning, I had a little message awaiting me from my Secret Santa. The beautifully kind Eileen had finished our gift last night, and she had been thinking of Luna too. What a lucky girl, to have such outpouring of love from so many generous hearts.